Fr. Barron on Relationships and Marriage

Facebook + Bathing Suits = Bad Idea

Something I never really wanted to post about, but feel I have to, because I don't think that young women quite understand the problem.

Yesterday when I logged onto Facebook, I had several pictures of college co-eds in bathing suits, who are friends on Facebook, come up on my feed. In response, I posted the following on Facebook as my status:

A note to young women on Facebook, from a guy who works with young men struggling with pornography...you might look good in your bathing suit, but if you were able to see yourself through 20 year-old male eyes, which are struggling to see you as a human and not an object, you would never post that pic. Just a thought.

But, that isn't enough to describe what is going on. So, here is the science behind it all:

Researchers used brain scans to show that when straight men looked at pictures of women in bikinis, areas of the brain that normally light up in anticipation of using tools, like spanners and screwdrivers, were activated.

Scans of some of the men found that a part of the brain associated with empathy for other people's emotions and wishes shut down after looking at the pictures.

Susan Fiske, a psychologist at Princeton University in New Jersey, said the changes in brain activity suggest sexy images can shift the way men perceive women, turning them from people to interact with, to objects to act upon.

I believe that most young women who post pics of themselves in bathing suits aren't looking to be objectified, but it is happening to them nonetheless. I hope this shows once again why modesty is a necessary virtue in our society today and it is an act of charity to your brothers-in-Christ to avoid immodest behavior, including posting pictures of yourself that are not modest.

A note for men - you are not off the hook for lusting after women because a woman dresses immodestly. There is no excuse for using a woman, regardless of how she might present herself. Your lust is your problem, not her problem. Her problem is immodesty.

I should add a note for the women - you would never have put on the bikini in the first place if you ever had 30 seconds behind those 20 year-old male eyes I describe above.

UPDATE: I forgot to post the history behind the bikini - I summarize it like this:
The modern bikini came from a Frenchman running a lingerie boutique. When he introduced it, he couldn't find a model to wear it so he hired a stripper. It was a hit with the guys and caught on.

Related posts:
**Top 10 Reasons Men Should Practice Custody of the Eyes
**Top 10 Reasons Women Should Dress Modestly

Must We Have Tied-Tubes Reversed?

Q - My wife and I have five children. years back after the 5th child my wife got her tubes tied. Are we allowed to have sex or is it now a sin? Also, if we wanted to give up sex as a sacrifice to God is that allowed?

A - Thanks for the questions. I know you must be wrestling with such a difficult situation, so I will keep you in my prayers and ask that our readers do the same.

The Catholic Church teaches that our fertility is an beautiful part to our humanity, so to have a woman's tubes tied (technically it is a tubal ligation) or for a man to have a vasectomy, is a mutilation of our bodies for a utilitarian purpose. This is because it requires a surgical procedure that renders a person infertile. It treats our fertility as a bad thing and not the gift that it is. (For more about what the Church teaches about contraception and surgical sterility see the links at the bottom). Just a side note, no tubal ligation or vasectomy can be determined to be 100% effective. There is about a 1% chance that it did not work and a chance of pregnancy still exists. Furthermore, many woman regret their tubal ligation because of health issues, psychological issues, loss of fertility, and guilt.

That being said, many people struggle to follow the Church's teachings. It isn't easy to live a chaste life within marriage, because chastity (the proper ordering of our sexuality) requires self-control and discipline. In many marriages this might mean the sacrifice of periodic abstinence within the marriage. This isn't easy. But, it is worth it.

To directly answer your first question, your wife is under no moral obligation to have her tubal ligation reversed. But, she is under the obligation to confess her sin with true contrition before receiving any other Sacraments, including the Eucharist. If you went along with the surgery, then you too should go to Confession.

The decision to have a tubal ligation reversal should be discerned through prayer, consultation with a good priest, and consideration of the factors in your life (e.g. desire for children, health, risk of surgery, chance of successfully reversing, etc).

Now, if you wanted to "give up sex as a sacrifice" is a much more difficult question. I do not have enough information to answer this question. Is it hypothetically possible? Yes. But, for your situation I would highly suggest you both go talk to a good priest who can help you sort out the reasons you might be considering this option.

I hope this helps.

Additional Links:
*FAQ on Contraception
*Humane Vitae and the Catholic Church.

A Must-Read For Every Young Woman

I remember how much I hated dating. It was a drag on my mentally and I really had no desire to participate in it. Looking back on it now, I believe I didn't like dating because of the goals I had set for it. I accepted the popular assumptions that the goal of dating is to use a person for your own selfish reasons.

I wish that I had half of the wisdom that is contained in the book How to Find Your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul by Jason and Crystalina Evert. It might have saved me a lot of heartache and misery and the women I dated as well.

The book is aimed primarily at young single women. But, it is not just a chastity book or a dating book. The content goes much deeper than that. It looks at cultural, psychological, anthropological, sociological, and religious reasons why the modern idea of dating drags many women (and men) down.

The tone in the book is very friendly, but straight-forward. Yet, there is no negativity toward women who have made mistakes in the past. Rather, there is a call to follow the path that will lead women toward true happiness in search for a love that their hearts desire. Of course this search will take patience, prudence, and a lot of work.

Each of the 21 chapters contains loads of stories that Jason and Crytalina have gathered through their travels around the world giving talks on chastity, love, and relationships. They have talked to thousands of young women and men who have poured their hearts out about relationship problems and successes.

The book is practical, challenging, and well-written. I give it 5 stars.

How much did I enjoy this book? I just ordered 88 copies (bulk orders are only $2 a book) to sell at the front desk of St. Mary's.

If you are a young single woman - I can't recommend this book highly enough. But, I also recommend it for young single men. You can learn a lot from it as well.

FULL DISCLOSURE - Jason Evert sent me a free copy for review.

A New Marriage Prep Program

Trey Cashion, one of my best friends and a parishioner here at St. Mary's, is the co-author of a new Marriage Prep Program which was just published by Our Sunday Visitor Press. The name is Together in God's Love.

Together in God's Love
A Program for Catholic Preparation for Marriage
by Joseph D. White, Ph.D. and William R. Cashion III, M.T.S.
Imprimatur from Bishop Kevin C. Rhoades of the Diocese of Fort Wayne-South Bend

The celebration of marriage as a sacrament is not a one-time event, but a lifelong vocation. Marriage and family have been the cornerstones of society in cultures throughout the world and across time. It is, therefore, no small task to help people enter into this lifelong commitment.

Together in God’s Love uniquely combines cultural attitudes, modern psychology, and Catholic theology as couples prepare to become one in Christ through matrimony. Using very practical, multi-sensory, and active learning techniques, the program focuses on the areas of Faith, Communication, Sexuality, and Stewardship to express marriage as a communion of persons, just as the Holy Trinity is a communion of persons. It is attentive to various learning styles as well as cultural diversity through the use of language, games, role playing, and self-assessments.

The flexible format can be used by sponsor couples, large group formats, or multi-day meetings. It combines the best of each approach to maximize participant engagement and comprehension while minimizing leader training and facilitator expertise.

In addition to addressing all the key areas called for in the U.S. bishops’ latest document on marriage, Together in God’s Love effectively combines Church teachings, such as Theology of the Body, with current, relevant, scientific research about healthy marriages that affirms and expands upon the insights of our Catholic Faith.

Congrats to Trey!

Two Reasons Same-Sex Marriage Is Gaining Ground

Catholics have not done a good (or even adequate) job of addressing the attacks on marriage. These attacks continue to grow stronger and without an understanding of how to defend marriage and the reasons behind the break-down of marriage, we will continue to see our culture slide into the anti-marriage mentality. Before I get into the reasons why same-sex marriage is gaining ground we need to explore some of the fundamental reasons why same-sex "marriages" are not good for those in them or society.

WHAT MARRIAGE IS.
Marriage is the basic cultural building block of society. One man, one woman, and their children unite as a family - every bit of evidence shows that families thrive in monogamous and stable homes with two biological parents of opposite sexes who remain married. This means that there is less poverty, crime, strife, etc. in homes where marriages do well. This is because the mother and father of children cannot be replaced. Two fathers or two mothers cannot provide what one mother and one father can. The role of the father can't be replaced by a woman and the role of the mother can't be replaced by a man. Studies back up this claim. Thus, same-sex couples can never provide all that children need to thrive. When families suffer the rest of our culture suffers.

Furthermore, same-sex relationships are not the same as male-female ones. While a same-sex couple might have strong affectionate feelings for one another, nature shows us they cannot bond as a married couple can. They cannot procreate and their bodies are not made to compliment one another. Think of this - a male or female by themselves is incapable of creating human life. They need the other. Thus, our bodies are incomplete without the opposite sex.

NOT ABOUT LOVE.
True love is to choose what is best for the other regardless of the cost to myself. This means same-sex relationships can never have loving sexual relationships. This is because the true act of sex is about giving yourself away, but in same-sex relationships you can't do this because the body isn't made to be given to someone of the same sex. A married couple can say, with their bodies, I want to create life and bond with you. I want to be one with you. This is impossible with same-sex couples, because while the body might still be saying this, the act itself is ordered toward selfish pleasure - not creating life or bonding the couple as one flesh.

NOT ABOUT EQUALITY.
Many people say that same-sex couples "deserve" the "right" to marry and that those that oppose them are merely bigots who want stamp out the rights of others. This isn't the case. The Catholic Church consistently teaches the respect of others, regardless of sexual orientation. It also teaches us to love and serve all. But, we must also work for truth and the common good. This means while we fight against same-sex marriage, we do not fight against individuals.

That being said, marriage laws are by definition discriminatory. They discriminate FOR families (not against non-married persons) in order to build up what is good for society. Where do children thrive? In the traditional family. If we tear that down, then society will suffer. Thus, the government needs to help support this building up of what is good for society.

Thus, marriage is about more than two people who have good feelings for one another. It is about the good of society - which is why the government got involved in it in the first place.

Some may argue that a same-sex couple should be able to do things such as share property rights, visit in the hospital, etc. But, all of these legal hurdles can already be overcome with current laws and a few documents.

So, what they are really looking for is social acceptance of their behavior. This is why the Catholic Church is enemy #1 for advocates of same-sex marriage. They cast us as homophobic, archaic, and mean-spirited. Which is not the truth.

Catholics need to fight such lies. But, to do so we need to know where it all comes from.
----
My thesis is that there are two main cultural culprits that have gotten us to where we are today:

1. Contraception
2. Pornography

REASON #1 - CONTRACEPTION - THE ROOT OF THE ISSUE:

Contraception has caused a number of cultural issues, not the least of is the fundamental re-orienting of the purpose of sex for the majority of people. What is the purpose of sex to modern man? Pleasure. This contraceptive mentality has changed us as a people. Sex is for pleasure however we can get it and is what we wish it to be. Sex is not for making babies or for bringing two spouses together. It is purely a selfish act of fulfilling a 'need', not a giving of self to another.

Contraception makes us turn inward, rather than outward - it perpetuates this selfishness on our part. It also sees marriage as an optional social construct (an attitude which harms women and children most of all)

This mentality is tearing apart our culture. I have seen it time and time again. It happens when sex between two people becomes about me rather than you. Thus the fruits of contraception include:

• Divorce rate doubled between 1965-1975 from 25% to 50%
• One demographer has shown that access to the pill paralleled the increase to the divorce rate
• 41% of births are to unwed mothers in 2008 (72% of black babies)
• 41% of pregnancies end in abortion in New York City
• 50% of marriages end in divorce.

Now pick one of these that is good for our culture.

When sex isn't about babies or bonding, then it becomes selfish. Once this happens, the family breaks down. Once the family breaks down, society breaks down.

REASON #2 - PORNOGRAPHY - THE DEATH OF MARRIAGE:

If contraception weakened marriage, pornography is killing it. More and more marriages are being ravaged by pornography and the trend will not slow down anytime soon. With 80% of young men and 33% of young women regularly using porn, more people will be unable to really love another person. Why? Take a look at this:

• Shown to devalue the other person and sex within marriage.
• Porn creates fantasies that real persons can't live up to.
• Porn sets up sexual habits or addictions that create "boredom" with only one other person.
• Porn creates distrust within marriage and is cheating on your spouse.
• Sexual satisfaction is decreased significantly.
• Porn strips sex of love and makes it about using others and objectifying them.

That is just the tip of the iceberg. It gets much worse when you really crack open the stats.

Suffice it to say, porn kills marriages. Thus, it is destroying our culture. But, at the root of porn is the contraceptive mentality that sex is about ME.

HOW CONTRACEPTION AND PORN LEAD TO SAME-SEX MARRIAGE:

How does it all fit together? Well, it is quite simple.

1. Contraception strips sex of it's intended purpose - babies and bonding.
2. Pornography re-defines sex into pleasure alone.
3. Thus, once someone has bought into contraception and pornography, they won't be able to argue that same-sex relationships are wrong, because there is nothing left to argue about. Who are they to tell someone what they are doing is wrong? Who are they to say someone shouldn't have pleasure when having sex?

We have given away too much. The stakes are too high. So, what do we do?

THE GOOD NEWS

The good news is that there is THE Good News - the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Christ CAN restores hearts.
Christ CAN forgive sin.
Christ CAN change our culture.

But, we have to do our part. This is the action plan.

• We have to pray for our culture and for all people.
• We can't see anyone as the "enemy".
• We have to educate ourselves.
• We have to speak up and fight back.
• We have to vote our morals and faith.
• We have to evangelize others so God can change their hearts.

This battle for our culture is not lost yet.

Further reading:
**What is Wrong With Porn?
**Contraception - What the Church Teaches.
**"Same Sex Marriage: Why Not?"
**The Debate about "Same-Sex Marriage"
**Special Report on Gay Marriage